“What have you been up to goose?” You may ask. You ask because I’m an important person. I am the center of your very tiny unimportant world. Well I’ll tell you cause I’m also nice. I got a job in Columbus. A very awesome kick ass job. They’re taking awesome care of me and I would have their babies if I had an extra ovary. I don’t. I got me an apartment in stumbling distance from a bar, and I’m …